I didn't want to say this but
by Alesanaa
Summary: Ciel starts to have "feelings" towards Sebastian, but can't tell him. Or does he? How will Sebastian act towards it? Read, Review, Suscribe Please! :D   Slight Yaoi? Maybe? Depends on reviews ;D
1. Prolouge

Smoke. Fire. Burning… It was everywhere. I couldn't see, my throat was clogged up, and my eyes burned. I kept calling out Mommy and Daddy's name, but they didn't answer. I felt someone pick me up, and I clung to them. Sebastian whispered in my ear something, but I didn't quite understand it, so I just nodded, burying my face into his shoulder. He took me out of there, and I looked back at it after we were outside. The coldness attacked me harshly, but ignoring it, I looked back at Phantomhive. Well, whatever was burning, anyways. But Sebastian kept walking. Walking farther and farther. Soon, the darkness swallowed us, and I couldn't see.

Turns out, it was the greatest discovery I had ever made.


	2. I Am Not A Child

The weather was dreary, foggy, and some might call it, "A good day to stay inside." But to that, it was nonsense for me. In fact, I loved these kinds of days, because Sebastian and I could walk out and he wouldn't find some stupid kitten to play with and disturb our business.

I felt Sebastian fix the back of my eye patch; probably to retie it. In any thing, I honestly didn't care. He already got me dressed in the morning, and made my baths. So why should I care if he touches me? There is no reason. So, like usual, I continued walking, listening to the clacking of his and my shoes on the needing-to-be-redone sidewalk.

"Elizabeth is going to be arriving today." Sebastian informed me, breaking the comfortable (and likeable) silence between us. I suppressed a sigh.

"Yes, what for?"

"Just a visit, I suppose." He replied. Couldn't she, Elizabeth, who preferred me to call her Lizzie, just leave me alone? Of course, she was my fiancée. But she was rather annoying to have around. Only Grell, Madame Red's pathetic butler, didn't seem to mind as much as the rest of us did.

Well, then again, Grell wasn't the normal type of butler. Oh Well. Not my business.

And I sighed. "Alright." I said unemotionally. I could even feel Sebastian's smirk at the back of my head. I ignored it, though. He usually spent most of his time smiling or smirking at me, that's just how he was I guess.

We arrived to the bank a few minutes after our conversation. I stepped back so Sebastian could open the door for me. When he did, I stepped inside. It was a few degrees colder than the humidness outside, but it felt significantly cold. I walked to the front desk and stood there, looking up at the man sitting there. He looked down at me.

"Well Hello there! Did daddy send you to get something for him?" He asked me, and I took it slightly offensively. I opened my mouth to respond, but Sebastian answered before I said anything rash.

"No. We're here to receive the special order that was shipped in a few days ago." He replied smoothly. The man looked at him for a moment before realization struck his face.

"Oh! I remember this one." He said. "I was wondering who would need it, but it never came to mind that a child would need it." The Man pulled out a cane wrapped in a paper bag. Sebastian took it, and pulled it out, and held it so the bottom was an inch from the man's face.

"Straight as an arrow…. Just how it should be." Sebastian said, as if he was doing nothing wrong. He handed the cane to me and I took it. He plopped a bag of silver and gold on the desk, with the words, "Keep the Change" as we walked out.

I scoffed. "How dare he call me a child?" I snapped. "Just because I'm short doesn't mean I'm a child!"

Sebastian chuckled a little. "Yes, well, you haven't had a growth spurt in a long time, sir." I shot him a look, but continued walking, not going to be bothered by his smart-ass remarks. I returned my eyes to in front of me, but after a few moments, I only heard ny boots on the sidewalk.

I turned around and looked at Sebastian, who was cuddling a jet black cat and a gray-ish one. I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Sebastian… What are you doing?"

Sebastian was hugging the cats tightly. "Oh look master. They're homeless." He said. I sighed.

"Every stupid kitten does not need a home. It could have diseases or something. Surely you should know that." I told him, and he stood up, letting the cats down, and bowed to me.

"Yes, you are right. I'm truly sorry, master." He apologized. I rolled my eyes and turned back around beginning to walk again. Some days, I thought Sebastian was going to drive me crazy. But on contraire, he was the only one keeping me sane.


	3. Confusing Thoughts and Perspectives

Finnian greeted us when we arrived back to Phantomhive. "Good Afternoon, sir!" He called from the front garden. I nodded in acknowledgment to his greeting, stopping a few feet from the front doors as I waited for Sebastian to open the door.

"Finnian, have you and Mey Rin gotten rid of the mice?" Sebastian asked, opening the door for me. I took a step into the doorway, but paused, waiting for Finnian's answer.

"N-No…" He admitted. "B-But we're working on it!" He added, as if that would cheer up Sebastian. I didn't bother to say anything, but I stepped inside Phantomhive. The door swung shut, and I knew Finnian would be scolded by Sebastian.

I laughed a little on the inside. Funny how scolding works, I thought to myself. I never really understood it myself, but I've grown used to Mey Rin, Finnian, and Bardroy cowering as Sebastian got onto them about something. Usually simple stuff, such as dish washing, breaking things (mostly from Mey Rin, the klutzy maid that was given to me), gardening work. And sometimes their great ideas that come from Bardroy.

I suppressed a thin smile and went up to my study. So much work to do. I don't remember why I even bothered to go out with Sebastian to get my cane. So time wasting. A sigh came from my lips as I sat down, pulling out some papers that needed to be filled out.

It didn't usually take me very long to fill them out. Funtom Toy Factory surprisingly went well, despite the fact there was a, quote, "Child" running it. I set my work aside, thinking about something I had thought before. But I couldn't remember it.

This frustrated me. And I couldn't blame it on anyone, considering it was my own fault. I absentmindedly rubbed the icy blue ring on my thumb, getting a minor headache from trying to remember. Finally, I gave up, but when I looked at the clock, I saw it was about tea time.

Sebastian was always on time for tea. I got annoyed if he wasn't, meaning I usually wouldn't talk to him for the rest of the day. Not that he cared. Although his not-caring attitude one time made me take more drastic measures and I locked myself in my study and refused to leave.

But of course, I had good reasons. That was the night I had dreamt the nightmares that once were my reality, and I had actually held Sebastian gun-point. Not that it would've killed him. Secretly, I would never do anything that would permanently damage him. I guess I would call it… not love, of course. I couldn't describe it.

Or was it? Did I, Ciel Phantomhive, head of the Phantomhive household, have a secret, girlish crush on someone who took care of me? What would Sebastian think if I told him? No, I couldn't tell him. Of course not. Maybe this wasn't a crush I thought it was. Maybe it was just certain affection towards him for taking care of me. But what if…-No, that couldn't be possible. I couldn't have a love for him.

Or could I?


	4. My Bright Idea

As I was fighting with my own thoughts, Sebastian brought up the tea cart, the blue and white china set perfectly in place on top of it. He wordlessly set a cup on the desk in front of me, pouring the tea. I watched the steamy liquid of the Italian tea pour quietly.

I picked up the cup after he was done and took a tiny, silent sip, saying nothing at the tasteless flavor. Sebastian eyed me suspiciously. "Anything wrong?" He asked, and I suppose he wanted a remark about the type of tea I receiver.

I felt my face get hot. "Oh, nothing." I responded a little too quickly. Sebastian narrowed his eyes at me as I set down my cup. He opened his mouth to say something, but I interrupted. "Nothing's wrong, and now I have work to do." I said dismissively.

Sebastian bowed and left with the short phrase that I've heard so many times before. "Yes, master." He usually only said that when he knew I was hiding something.

I didn't go back to my work. In fact, I ignored the white papers on my desk completely. Sighing, I face-desked. "Why, oh whyyyy." I groaned to myself. Why was I so embarrassed to talk to Sebastian? I would have to talk to him eventually.

Who did I know that could help me with this? I thought, turning my head to look out the window. Grell would be completely useless, and Madame Red only visited and was a complete chatter box. Elizabeth wasn't very helpful, either.

And the rest of my Phantomhive workers wouldn't be helpful. They weren't aloud to hide anything from Sebastian. Why did everything and everyone I talked with have some connection with him? London wasn't a very small place, so you couldn't say that everyone knew each other. Why was this so… hard?

I sat back up straight and took another sip of my cooling tea. Or water, whichever it really was. Anyways, it helped me clear my mind. I sighed again and looked back at the set of papers paper clipped and put away to the corner of my desk. I'd really have to start working on them, or someone would get suspicious.

There was only one other person I could think of to help me.

And I did not want to ask them.


	5. Hopefully This Works

**A/N: Sooooo sorry for not uploading lately D: Family/Friend Problems. I PROMISE to upload more often!**

Two people had come to mind. I don't know how I managed to slip from Sebastian's sight with the excuse of "Fresh Air in London", but it had worked. Children were playing in the streets, a few looking at me expectantly. I returned their looks with a mature one, and continued walking.

I hated where I was, the darkest part of town. Cats yowled and screeched on fences, drunkies stumbled over trash cans and onto the ground. I knocked on the dark purple door, and was greeted shortly.

By the Undertaker.

"Well well! What do we have here? No one other than Bocchan!" Undertaker giggled, opening the door wider and slipping inside. An exasperated sigh left my lips as I walked in after. "So what do you need today, Mr. Phantomhive?" He asked, the door shutting behind me.

"I need to ask you a quest-" My response was silenced by Undertaker's finger pressing against my lips. I stepped back.

"You know I can't do anything without a joke!" He said, dropping his hand and leaning against the desk. I glared.

"I don't have a joke to tell you." I said. Undertaker laced his fingers together and licked his first finger. My left eyebrow rose as a question.

"Than no service for Bocchan!" Undertaker said, resting across the desk. I sighed, rubbing my forehead with my palm.

"Alright, fine." I grumbled. I thought for a moment. "Why did the child cross the road?" I asked.

It caught his attention, only slightly. "Why?"

"To get his play toy, but was hit with a carriage instead." I finished rather lamely.

"Ahahahaha no." Undertaker only laughed for half a moment, and then rested against the desk. "Try again!" I bit my bottom lip.

"Well, ah… I don't know!" I cried, frustrated. "You're no help!" I said, glaring. "I really need help this time!" I walked out the door, listening to Undertaker's giggling as I left.

I sighed desperately, a headache beginning to form. Walking once more, I thought over about the next person I was going to ask. My innocence would be ruined more, I thought, but it was worth it.

"Well look who's finally standing at my door, none other than Ciel Phantomhive." Lau replied to my knocking. Ranmao stood at his side in her usual short skirt, Lau's right arm wrapped around her waist. "How can I help the young Phantomhive?"

"I need to talk to you, seriously." I said, not helping but glancing at Ranmao. She nuzzled her face into Lau's neck.

Lau stepped aside. "Come in then." He said. I stepped in, and sat down after Lau. Ranmao sat in his lap, Lau's arms around his waist, pulling her close. IT slightly disgusted me how she could want that, but I ignored my thoughts.

"I need to talk to you about…" I paused, knowing that Sebastian could hear what I said about him if I spoke his name. I looked around, and taking a stray pen, scribbled Sebastian's name onto my hand and showed it to Lau. He nodded after reading.

"Go on."

"Well, I'm getting feelings for him." I said, blushing a little. "But I'm not sure if he feels the same for me." Lau's face lit up.

"Ahh, I see. I knew you'd come to me for this, at least once." He said. "What you need to do first is to find out if he likes you back."

"How do I do that?" I asked, sitting up a little straighter.

"First, you need a ball. A big party." Lau said. I could tell he was excited in this. "Then, flirt. With guys, girls, everyone. Older or younger has no matter."

"But what about Elizabeth?" I asked. "She'd be completely destroyed if she found out."

"Avoid her. Or don't even invite her." Lau said smoothly. I nodded. "Then, if Sebastian appears to watch you a lot, or if he says something, then he likes you back! Simple."

I smiled, rather fakely, but Lau didn't notice. He was too busy stroking Ranmao's upper thigh. "Thanks, Lau. It means a lot." I said.

"You're welcome.' He said. "Just be sure to invite me for my services." I nodded; everything came with a price, and I was prepared to pay it.

I left his place, and arrived back at Phantomhive. I had scrubbed Sebastian's name off my hand along the way. My mind told me I was being sneaky and deceitful; but I brushed it off.

"Welcome back, Bocchan." Sebastian greeted me as I came in. I glanced up at him. "How was your walk?"

"Good, good." I said, not really wanting to have him question.

"Where did you go?" He asked casually.

"I went and visited Lau and Ranmao." I said truthfully. "Just for a talk."

'Oh?" Sebastian looked rather surprised. "Did anything important come up?"

"He suggested I throw a ball." I said, and to surprise him once more, I said, "And I agree." A questioning look spread across his face. I looked at him. "Well aren't you the one that said I needed to be socially active?"

"Yes." Sebastian said, and I could feel the heavy confusion that filled him when I used his words against him. Victory, I knew, was on my side. "So, tonight, My Lord?"

"Yes, and invite everyone you can think of."


End file.
